while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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