i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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