he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
