I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
