so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
