He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
