I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
