Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I met the friendliest cop last night
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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