Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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