well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
