I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
