My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
