"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
