oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize