Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
