mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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