Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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