Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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