R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
