i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
