You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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