At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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