I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
