Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Also, beer. Big fan.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
