I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
