omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
