saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
