I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
