dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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