someone get that fucking seahorse.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
