My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
