I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
