Ambien. No doubt about it.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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