Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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