So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
