Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize