I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
