I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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