I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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