I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
