U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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