You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
