At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
