Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
