I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
