just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
