He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
