Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
