im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
