Already got asked if we're dating
I wish I only lived at night.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
