Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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