Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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