There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My life is pants optional.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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