last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
and she was petting her beer can
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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