So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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