I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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