Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
