im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
